Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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