I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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