hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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