No more Irish car bombs ever.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
