I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
