just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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