Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
