I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
