You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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