Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Randomize
