i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
