I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
