The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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