she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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