I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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