I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
