dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
