Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
