Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
