I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
