i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
