I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
