So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
17 year olds will be the death of me.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I need to wash the frat house off of me
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
