Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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