My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
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