Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
