No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
