Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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