The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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