That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
