where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
