I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
