Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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