I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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