i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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