I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
