I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
