i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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