I am midnight drunk by noon
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
