Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
