Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
