his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
