Your face is a jimmy john
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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