my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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