I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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