Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
His hands were made for my vagina.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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