things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
