Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You can't motorboat a personality
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I supernannyed him into submission
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
