Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
