I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
